Stoos Views

By William Kevin Stoos  Thursday, October 29, 2009

-Satire-

“The Homeland Security Subcommittee on Emerging Threats, Cybersecurity, Science and Technology criticized the government’s handling of the swine flu epidemic, recently declared to be a ‘national emergency’ by President Obama” October 27, 2009

When ace reporter Hugh Betcha, Chief of the Public Health Bureau of the Stoos Views news conglomerate, visited his family doctor this week for a check up and seasonal flu vaccination, he was shocked to learn that the clinic had no flu vaccine. Neither did Walmart, Walgreens, the local hospital, the public health clinic, nor anyone else in town. In the Land of Hope and Change, where Uncle Sugar has promised to care for His people and administer their health care needs, it was impossible to believe that the country was already woefully short on the flu vaccine.

“We’ve been out of the seasonal flu vaccine for weeks,” his doctor replied, “no one else in town has it either. We hope to get some in two weeks.” 

“How about the swine flu stuff?” Hugh asked.

“Ditto there,” replied the doctor. “No one has that either.”

“Is the swine flu here?” Hugh pressed him further.

“Yup, ninety percent of the lab tests we send over have come back positive for H1N1, and not the seasonal flu. The seasonal flu does not seem to be here yet.  The swine flu is here with a vengeance and there is no vaccine; the seasonal stuff is not here yet, and neither is the vaccine.”

“Well, we can Hope for Change can’t we?” Hugh replied as he left the room.

Concerned, Hugh called his daughter Catherine, who was working at the Emergency Room of a small town hospital in God’s Country, South Dakota.

“Hey Doc, have you had your swine flu shot yet? “

“Are you kidding?” his daughter replied, “No one has had it.”

“What happened to Obama’s pledge that health care providers would get the vaccine first because they are the front lines in the fight against the pandemic and exposed to it every day?” Hugh pressed, concerned for his daughter who sees sick patients each day.

“It is a joke,” she replied.  “We may be the front line, but we have no defenses. Sort of like the Administration response to the War in Afghanistan: too little, too late, and just a lot of talk.”

Concerned about the Administration’s lack of any meaningful or timely response to what Obama recently declared a ‘national emergency’ Hugh did what he does best: he went straight to the top. A man who moves easily through the corridors of power in Washington because of his reputation as a tough minded, but fair journalist, Hugh hopped on a plane and headed to Foggy Bottom to meet with Senator Harry (We Know What is Best for the Taxpayers Even If They Don’t) Reid to get some answers.

Hugh was ushered into Reid’s impressive Senate office. There he was met by Senator Reid, who sported a surgical mask and latex gloves.

“What’s up with that?” Hugh inquired of Reid’s get up.

“Well, between the smelly tourists walking through this place, and the flu epidemic, you just can’t be too careful nowadays,” Reid replied in a muffled voice. “I wear this all the time now.”

Hugh got down to business immediately.

“Senator, how long has the Government known about the pending threat of a swine flu epidemic?”

“Well, about a year or so, but you know, we are working diligently on the problem,” he assured the reporter. “Why just the other day we got our supply in.”

“What do you mean?”

“All members of the House and Senate who so desire, have been vaccinated against the seasonal flu and the swine flu. We got ours already. We have our own private clinic of course.”

“What about pregnant mothers, young people, and health care providers out there in middle America who are at risk right now?”

“Don’t worry, theirs is coming. I am confident that we will have several million doses out there in no time, so some of the common folks can get it too. I can’t discuss the details, you know.”

“Yeah, but Senator, you have had over a year to anticipate the crisis and react to it. There are already over one thousand deaths in this country from the swine flu.”

“We sympathize with them certainly, but you have to understand that the Government is reacting to the crisis and we are on top of the situation. Just the other day the President declared a national emergency, so the situation is well in hand.”

“When do you expect the remainder of the hundred fifty million or more doses that the government promised earlier this year?”

“Well, like the terms of our National Health Care Public Option that I am working on right now, I cannot get into the details. But trust me, we are working on it. We know what is best for the people. Thirty million down and one hundred twenty million to go…we will make it eventually. ”

“Can you explain, Senator, why it is that the First Family and members of the House and Senate got their vaccine when health care workers, pregnant mothers and young people still do not have theirs as yet?”

“Well the answer is obvious,” the Senator scowled, “we in the Governing Class, are busy passing legislation, regulating the people’s lives, raising taxes, spending your money, and inventing new ways to control your lives and make them better. It is imperative that we remain healthy so we can run the Government. Can you imagine if Congress came down with the swine flu and we could not conduct business in Washington for weeks on end? What a tragedy that would be!”

“What is the status of the Obama Universal Coverage for Health (O.U.C.H.) legislation that you are pushing in the Senate?” Hugh inquired.

“Of course, I cannot get into the details.”

“Has anyone in the Senate even read the proposed draft of your public option bill?”

“No, and it is not necessary at this point. I have the situation well in hand. Once again, I cannot get into the details.”
“What happens when the Government controls every aspect of our health care?” Hugh asked.

“I promise you this: universal Government health care will be every bit as effective as the Government’s program to combat the swine flu,” Reid replied, confidently.

With that, the reporter thanked Senator Reid for his time, and, full of Hope, left the room.

 By William Kevin Stoos  Monday, October 5, 2009

Senate Majority Leader Harry (“Just Kidding When I Told You I Hope Your Newspaper Goes Out of Business” Reid), who for years has been afflicted with a Tourette’s-like illness which compels him to insult politicians, fellow Nevadans, American citizens, and respected military leaders, has decided to seek emergency medical treatment, according to America’s most trusted news source—Hugh Betcha. Chief Political Correspondent for the Stoos Views news conglomerate and long time confidante of the Majority Leader, Hugh was invited to the office of Senator Reid for a private discussion about the Senator’s health, before the official announcement was released to the press.

Upon entering the room, the reporter noticed the overpowering, sickening sweet odor of Glade cinnamon air fresheners strategically placed around the Senator’s office.  “What is up with that?” Hugh asked his friend.

“Oh, nothing,” the Senator replied, “just use those to cover the stench of the stinky tourists, who visit the Capitol, you know. Especially those right wing Christians—they smell the worst.”

Taken aback by the remark, Hugh discreetly sniffed his own armpits to ensure he did not offend the Senator.

“Don’t worry,” Reid assured him, “you are the fairest guy in the world, certainly not a damned Christian right winger. You smell fine. Sit down, please.”

“How are you feeling, Sir,” the reporter inquired.

“Well, I am generally fine, except when I have to deal with people,” he responded, looking down at his desk. “It seems that I have a problem in that regard,“ he conceded.

“Such as?”  Hugh inquired.

“You know, like when I insulted Bush 43 and his mother by implying that his mother was a b*** and W was just like him. Or the times I called W a “liar” and a “loser.”

“Well, I am sure you were just having a bad day,” the reporter said, reassuringly.

“Yeah, except I seem to have a lot of those. Like when I called Justice Clarence Thomas (a black man as you know) an embarrassment…”

“Well….”

“…or the time I referred to Marine General Peter Pace as incompetent….”

“Yeah, but everyone makes a mistake or two….”

“…or when I called Alan Greenspan a ‘political hack’ who attends too many cocktail parties, or insulted those ‘smelly tourists’ who tour the Capitol Building, or referred to anyone who protests Obama’s policies as ‘evil mongers,’ you know.”

“About the Las Vegas Review-Journal…”

“Yeah,” Reid interrupted, “I probably should never have told the guy that I hope his paper goes out of business. Sometimes I just can’t help myself.”

“What is the problem?” Betcha pressed the Senator.

“Well, it turns out that I really cannot help it…”

“Meaning?”

“…I saw doctors at Walter Reed, as well as at the Office of the Attending Physician here in the Capitol, for a second opinion. We get free medical you know. Turns out this is not my fault at all.”

“Please explain.”

“Well, my doctors all agreed that I have an unusual condition. Sadly, I was born without a personality.  It is rare, but true. This explains why I insult my fellow citizens, respected newspapers, military heroes, people’s mothers, black judges, and everyone else, with equal abandon. I cannot help it—it just comes out. I have no scruples, no discretion, no compassion-that it why I walk around with a sour hang dog look all the time. It is humiliating. I have had kids point at me on the street and tell their parents they want my autograph….”

“Why?”

“They confuse me with Droopy Dog…so embarrassing.”

“Geeze, I am so sorry. What are your plans?”

“Well, sometime before the 2010 senatorial election in Nevada, I am scheduled to undergo a personality transplant. They tell me that I will become warm and fuzzy, compassionate, discrete, treat others with respect, and become a generally good guy. I may even learn to smile now and then.”

“When is this scheduled?”

“Well, they need to find a donor first. It is hard to find one among the Democrats in the Senate.”

Asked what he plans to do if he is defeated in the upcoming 2010 election in Nevada, which pits him against several attractive Republican candidates—any one of whom beats him in the polls and each of whom has a personality—he responded:

“Motivational speaker.”

William Kevin Stoos Most recent columns

Copyright © 2009 William Kevin Stoos
The author of Stoos Views is a freelance writer, book reviewer, and attorney, whose feature and cover articles have appeared in Carmelite Digest,  Family Digest, Nature Conservancy Magazine, Liberty Magazine, Encyclopedia Britannica Online. He is a regular contributing author for The Bread of Life Magazine in Canada. His review of Shadow World, by COL. Robert Chandler, propelled that book to best seller status in the category of international politics and foreign affairs. His book, The Woodcarver (And Other Stories of Faith and Inspiration) © 2009, William Kevin Stoos (Strategic Publishing Company)—a collection of feature and cover stories on matters of faith—was just released in July of 2009. Royalties from that book go to support the Carmelites. He resides in Wynstone, South Dakota.

How National Public Radio Skews the News

NPR: Nuanced Partisan Reportage

 By William Kevin Stoos  Thursday, October 1, 2009

National Public Radio—financed partially with public funds and partially through individual and corporate donations—in theory has a rule that its reporters may not engage in politics.  Having listened to NPR and a variety of other news outlets for years (in order to attain some semblance of perspective and balance) and having admittedly donated money to my local NPR station in the past, I have noticed a disturbing trend in their national reportage.

It is apparent that NPR’s alleged prohibition against engaging in politics is more honored in the breach than the observance. In divers and subtle ways, NPR skews the news, and has become a partisan ProBama cheerleader. While far more low key than MSNBC (Most Sycophants Nuzzling Barack Constantly), ABC (All Barack Channel), NBC (National Barack Channel) and CBS (Covering Barack Seriously)—NPR has, nonetheless, proved the truth of the old saw, “It is not what you say, but how you say it.”  Put simply, by inflection, nuance, and selective emphasis, NPR can and does, affect and mold public opinion. It can, in fact, be political without appearing so, and support liberal causes while pretending to be non-partisan. 

During the 2008 presidential campaign, I awoke at 6:00 a.m. to listen to the early morning NPR report—as was my routine. The candidates had been debating the War in Iraq—McCain arguing that the United States should stay the course and inject more troops into the battle; Obama campaigning on the promise to get the United States out of the war as quickly as possible, within months after he was elected.  A chorus of Democrat senators had shamelessly pronounced that the war in Iraq was “lost “ (Harry “Only Kidding When I Said I Hope You Go Out of Business” Reid among them) which , of course, must have done wonders for the morale of those brave young troops who were fighting and winning in Iraq. Such was the debate raging in the United States at the time. As I rolled over to catch a couple more minutes of half sleep, I listened with one ear to the NPR broadcast. What I heard was curious and disconcerting.

During the next twenty minutes or so, NPR broadcast at least four stories in a row, which—if one harbored suicidal ideation—might have sent him or her over the edge.  It seems there was no good news in the world this date and all was indeed lost in Iraq. The first story dealt with the declining number of volunteers at recruitment centers around the country. It seems that the military, according to NPR, could not meet its enlistment quotas.  Okay, that was not good, but certainly, there was something positive happening somewhere right? But alas, that was not to be.

The second story covered the fact that the caliber of enlistees in the service was declining and, in effect, the military was resorting to a waiver of certain educational or other qualifications in order to maintain the military.  This, of course, brought to mind that famous insult by Senator John Kerry to the effect that, “if you can’t make it in college you can go to Iraq,” which was an affront to thousands of patriotic troops who were there not because they lacked intelligence, but because they loved the country and met the call to defend it against those who declared war on us.  But the bad news did not end there.

The next story I recall, was the increase in the number of Americans killed in Iraq that month. News of course—and tragic news—but this third story in a row got me thinking: who is producing this stuff—the Democratic National Committee? Obama for President? Of course, this too was news, but there was no doubt that these stories were designed to convey to the public the sense that all is lost in Iraq and it was time to go. Who would benefit from that?  Was this news coverage political in nature?  Certainly, it helped one candidate who happened to be arguing in favor of an early withdrawal and in favor of a party that declared, “all is lost in Iraq.” However, the bad news did not end there.

Just as I hoped against hope to hear something positive, NPR finished with one last story: Civilian casualties were on the rise in Iraq.  In sum, according to Nuanced Partisan Radio: “We were running out of troops, they are being killed quicker than we can recruit them, they are getting dumber and dumber every day, and we are killing a lot of civilians over there.  Obama himself could not have scripted better new coverage for his campaign. Yet, if you paid no particular attention to the order of these stories or the theme than ran throughout, you might well not have noticed this subliminal message that all is lost and it is time to leave Iraq—just as Obama said.

However, the nuanced and subtly political coverage has not abated. During the recent health care debate and the town hall meetings held this past summer, during the congressional recess, NPR’s ProBama bent was never more apparent. I listened intently to their news coverage on the town hall meetings. In each and every instance when the NPR anchors described the citizens who spoke at the town hall meetings—sometimes in loud and vehement tones (which some might dare call, spirited debate)—they were referred to as “right wing” protestors. [sic] It seems the NPR reporters could not find any other adjectives to describe those who dared to argue against the proposed Obama Universal Coverage for Health (O.U.C.H.). They were not citizens, or concerned Americans, or members of the public, or taxpayers or middle class Americans. Nope, in each and every instance, the adjective of choice employed by Nuanced Partisan Radio was “right wing” protestors.  Through the liberal use of the adjective “right wing’ by NPR and the other ProBama media since the health care debate began, any and all protest against the takeover of health care, the banks, the auto industry, and all other facets of American life by the Obama administration has become synonymous with “right wing.” The longer the press hums this mantra, the more it becomes engrained in the American psyche, and soon everyone is humming it.  And, in time, protest itself or criticism of The Great One becomes something evil.

I hoped I was wrong. Maybe the use of the adjective “right wing” every time NPR described the health care debaters was just an aberration. Then I happened to hear a broadcast by NPR, again at 6:00 a.m., concerning the September 12, 2009 gathering in Washington, D.C.  A friend of mine, Dr. Tom Cook, an articulate, intelligent, patriotic American who served with valor in Vietnam, sent me a wonderful note about the gathering in D.C., which was touching and insightful:

“What struck me was the number of families present at the rally. There were many fathers and mothers with their children. There were people of all races present. The crowd was upbeat, happy, and not the least bit menacing. They were a huge gathering of great Americans of every stripe and physical attribute. There were many in wheelchairs, babies in mothers’ arms, and many gray heads. There were conservatives, liberals, democrats, republicans and libertarians. However, had you polled them, they would undoubtedly have said they were first, and foremost, Americans. They were the heart and soul of America and incontrovertible proof of how out of touch the media and the government are. These folks just wanted their representatives to listen to them—they wanted the government to stop the trampling of their constitutional rights. They left their jobs to travel from all over the country to gather in protest against what they perceived as the ruination of our country by a government that is no longer listening to them.”

These folks—between one and two million strong—represented a cross section of America, and included, among others, a black woman who had also served as an Obama delegate to the Democrat Convention in 2008. The gathering was not organized by any particular group or political persuasion, but was, rather, brought together by a common concern over the direction their county was taking.

Knowing this information from a trusted source who was actually there and mingled with the crowd,  I listened with interest as the NPR reporter once again described the crowd as a group of “conservatives,” (yes, you guessed it) “organized by right wing groups.” [sic] Apparently, NPR—unbeknownst to the rest of us—had conducted a poll of all of those million plus persons who showed up to demonstrate against the threat of government oppression, which affects all of us equally and threatens our individual liberties, and concluded that all—each and every one—was a “conservative” or “right winger.”  Clearly, no bias or generalizing here.

It is fair to ask:  “Who benefits from this constant nuanced partisan reportage?” Who benefits whenever concerned citizens who oppose Obama for whatever reason are trivialized by NPR and dismissed as “right wingers” or “conservatives?”  NPR is too free with such adjectives and seemingly can find no others. You can be political without being political—so long as you are subtle and nuanced. We can only hope that this important news source might some day call things down the middle, rather than emphasizing that which only benefits the current regime in Washington.  But I am not holding my breath. And, (though I daresay they will not feel the pinch), until they find other adjectives to describe decent Americans who sincerely oppose Obama’s policies, they have seen my last nickel.

[Dedicated to COL Bob, the Bear, Bryan, and Dr. Tom, patriots all, who are, somewhere, this day, solving all the country’s problems.]