Stoos Views

By William Kevin Stoos  Tuesday, June 23, 2009

-Satire

After receiving a frantic call from the beleaguered President of Iran requesting a meeting with the most trusted journalist in America, Stoos Views’ on ace reporter and Chief of the Middle East News Bureau, Hugh Betcha, was dispatched to Tehran to meet the President under the cover of darkness at his office.

Flying into Tehran on the President’s own jet, after a secret itinerary that encompassed several foreign countries so as to avoid travel restrictions imposed by the United States government, Betcha touched down in what he described as a “war zone” this week to be blindfolded, tied up, and frisked at the airport. It seems even the most trusted reporter in the business cannot get close to the President–ever more fearful of assasination attempts–without a full body search and other such precautions. Other than the fact that the Revolutionary Guard seemed to enjoy the body search a little too much, the process was rather uneventful. Whisked away in a government limo following a circuitous route to avoid any possible tails, Betcha arrived at a back alley entrance to the President’s office at an undisclosed location overlooking the demonstrations. There he was frisked again, forced to undergo yet another strip search and run through a metal dectector to ensure that even he–the most trusted name in journalism–did not carry a weapon. Satisfied that he was no risk, Betcha was led blindfolded into the President’s office for the ostensible interview. Upon entry, his blindfold was removed and the door shut behind him.

Curiously, when the reporter opened his eyes, the President of Iran was nowhere in sight. As he scanned the room for his interviewee, Betcha heard a rather quiet ”Pssssst!” emanating from the direction of the President’s impressive walnut desk. As he approached the rather disorganized desk, on which sat a curious collection of items including “The Audacity of Hope,” “100 Places to See Before You Die,” a half full bottle of vodka, a couple of half-smoked doobies, assorted columns from the Canada Free Press, and a “Moscow Visitor’s Guide,” a whispered voice in broken English summoned him. “Down here,” the voice beckoned, whereupon Hugh noticed the President of Iran crouched down under his desk, wearing a helmet, flak jacket, and holding a 9 mm pistol. “What are you doing down there Mr. President?” the reporter asked. “Hiding from the terrorists,” he replied nervously. “What terrorists?” the reporter asked, curious. “The terrorists in the streets down there. Until the Guards quell these demonstrations, I was ordered by the Supreme Council to remain here.” “You mean the students, intellectuals, and women who are demonstrating for democracy, freedom, and the right to have their vote counted in a fair election?” The President did not answer.

The reporter knelt down in order to get closer to the President, who was speaking in a halting whisper, pale, and trembling in fear of the events unfolding below in the streets. “Isn’t it ironic?” the reporter asked, “Just 30 years ago you too were in the streets overthrowing a government, taking Americans hostage and protesting for freedom.” ”Ah, but that was very different” the President protested. “Our revolution was a righteous one. Are you naive? We did not have a revolution to promote democracy” he replied sternly, “we had a revolution to usher in an Islamic government. That is true freedom–the freedom to study the Koran, the freedom to return to the values of the 7^th Century; the freedom to be ruled by elderly Muslim Clerics who tell us how to live under strict Sharia law. Like our brothers in the Taliban, we wanted to bring back the good old days, when women knew their place, kept everything but their eyes covered so as to not be so provocative; when women were subservient to men and could be stoned to death for marital infidelity–although a man could have several wives. The good old days, when there was no internet, no cell phones, no blue jeans, no McDonalds, no rock and roll, no rap, no decadent videos–only the words of the Prophet to guide us. That was our goal in 1979. There was no thought of this decadent Western liberal democracy where everyone can think and act like they want; where the people have the right to assemble anywhere, and any time, to protest the government , where religious freedom is practiced and Christians, Jews and other infidels are allowed to live in society without fear of reprisal or death. The good old days, when alcohol was forbidden, public affection was not allowed, where non- believers were punished, where there were no homosexuals–we have none you know–and where the 85 year old mullahs told us how to live and how to think. Yes, those were our ideals and the goal of our revolution. Now, those people down there, “ he continued, pointing at the demonstrators, “ they scream for freedom–to vote, to assemble, to speak out against our holy men and myself, to embrace decadent Western values which are the tools of Satan. Do you know the women actually wear Calvin Klein jeans under their chadora? How can any society prosper which lives like this? Most of those in the streets are mentally ill, CIA agents, Zionists, and Fox News reporters, sent here to foment insurrection.”

Asked how he planned to stop the revolution in the streets, Ahmadinejad replied: “This ‘freedom’ is a disease that must be cured by any means necessary. We have plenty of caustic chemical spray, tear gas, bullets, tanks, and troops. Our cause is righteous and they will see that in time. Or, we will kill them all. There can be no compromise. It is Allah’s will. As a Revolutionary Guard, I executed hundreds after our revolution–it means nothing to me. I am doing the work of Allah. Excuse me,” Ahmadinejad said as he opened his Blackberry and began texting, “Khameini just sent me a message. Something about meeting at his bunker for tea. You must leave now, sorry.”

As the confused Stoos Views reporter abruptly took his leave of the President to return home and report the results of his interview, Ahmadinejad grabbed his arm: “And you will tell your readers the truth won’t you? “ he said sternly. “You will, of course, tell them that the President of Iran was confident, fully in control of the situation, bravely leading the Revolutionary Guards against the terrorist hordes, and running the government from his desk in Tehran, won’t you? After all, we do know where you live….”

Mrs./Ms./Madam/Missus Barbie Boxer Apologizes to General

(You Can Call Me “Babs”)

© 2009 William Kevin Stoos

                “Gawd, I really looked like a b**ch!” exclaimed Mrs. Barbara Boxer, a California politician who occupies a political office in Washington, D.C., as she watched a replay of her disrespectful interruption of Brig. Gen. Michael Walsh, of the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers, during his testimony on the Hurricane Katrina restoration process. The General–who has served his country admirably, risked his life and limb, and devoted his life to preserve the lady’s freedom to disrespect him and others in uniform who are trained to refer to ladies as “Ma’am” and gentlemen as “Sir”–was rudely “dressed down” as they say in the military, as he dared to preface an answer to one of Boxer’s questions with a polite “Ma’am.”  At this point, Ms. Boxer interrupted the General and reminded him that she, Madam Boxer, worked hard to gain a seat in the legislative body of which she is a member, and was therefore entitled to the ultimate respect, deference, and tribute that comes with being a liberal, professional politician whose main accomplishment in Washington has been to tax other people and spend their money.

Invited by Missus Boxer to watch the replay, Stoos Views reporter Hugh Betcha–Chief of The Washington News Bureau–met with Barb at her request so she could issue an apology to the General for her inexcusable disrespect of a United States Army military officer. “I am so sorry for my indefensible behavior,” Missus Boxer stated, “I realize now that the term ‘Madam’ was not meant to be disrespectful to me as a revered member of the elite Washington Political Class. Rather, I understand now that it is a term of respect used by members of the lower and servant classes, such as military people, waiters, laborers, normal people with manners, and anyone else who does not occupy a seat in a privileged political club, such as I do. I was wrong to be so rude and I understand that the General was just trying to be nice to me, Mrs. Stewart Boxer. I was wrong to scold the great General and I hope he can see fit to forgive me.”

After promising to release this apology on behalf of Ms. Boxer, the Stoos Views reporter bid farewell to Stewart Boxer’s wife, saying “Goodbye, Madam,” as he went. “Please, call me Babs,” she replied, as she showed him the door.

Satire

By William Kevin Stoos Friday, June 12, 2009

Mr. and Mrs. Jones
Main Street
Anywhere, USA

Re: The Death of Your Son, Private Jones

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Jones:

As President of the United States, the hardest thing I have to do is send young men and women into combat. Tragically, some die defending our freedoms. I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your son in Afghanistan.

Having never served in the military, knowing nothing about the military, being a rather naive lawyer and community organizer, and having two daughters who I will never send into harm’s way, I cannot imagine how hard it is to lose a brave Marine like your son. Please accept my sincerest condolences for your loss and be assured our thoughts and prayers are with you at this time.

Perhaps the most tragic of all is the fact that he was shot and killed by Mohammed Bin Bomben– an honor graduate of our “Adopt a Jihadist Program” (See: Obama’s “Adopt-A-Jihadist” Program for Gitmo Prisoners) which you may have read about. Bin Bomben was himself killed in the firefight and we were not only saddened by the loss of your son but also greatly disappointed that Bin Bomben returned to the battlefield after being rehabilitated in Saudi Arabia. Although he promised he would never return to the battlefield and kill American troops, it seems he broke his promise to us and did just that. Sadly, his release from Guantanamo resulted in the loss of your son. We are deeply sorry about this.

Sometimes a President faces hard choices, and this is one of those. You see, I made a campaign promise back in 2008 that I would close Guantanamo and release the alleged enemy combatants who were captured on the battlefield during the Bush Administration. I made this promise because my left wing, “Blame America First” supporters demanded that we close the facility and release those prisoners. Even though there is no empirical support for the proposition, I believe that if we close that facility, the world and the terrorists will love the United States once more. After all, it is more important to be loved than respected or feared. I am sure you understand this. Some have said that I did not think this out before I campaigned on this promise; others say I was naive to assume that we could rehabilitate terrorists and return them to their own country certain that they would never do us harm again. Well, I may have not thought this out ahead of time, and perhaps I was naive to think that they would not return to the battlefield and shoot our brave young soldiers again. However, that is a risk that I, as President, must take. After all, a campaign promise is a campaign promise. And above all, I want to show the world we are kind and compassionate. As with any new government program, the Adopt a Jihadist Program has kinks to be ironed out. Certainly, there is a remote chance that some of these hard-core terrorists sworn to destroy America may possibly return to the battlefield and kill our soldiers–like your brave son. But, that is just one of those unfortunate things that happens. I am sure you understand. Again, I am deeply sorry for your loss.

Sincerely,
Barack H. Obama
President of the United States

The Voting Was Not Even Close

(A Stoos Views Exclusive Report)

By William Kevin Stoos  Tuesday, June 16, 2009

-Satire
This year, it was not even close. By unanimous vote of the editorial board of Stoos Views, the “Male Chauvinist Pig of the Year, 2009” award goes to the formerly funny David Letterman. Known for his rapier wit, biting sarcasm, and shrill, left leaning political commentary, Letterman’s recent hilarious joke about the statutory rape of Sarah Palin’s 14-year-old daughter by an adult baseball player, set a new low for late night humor and had both his studio audience and the nation rolling in the aisles once more.

Interviewed by Stoos Views ace reporter Hugh Betcha at Letterman’s home where he lives with his former live in girlfriend and now wife–whom, as Letterman joked, he “knocked up” [sic] sometime ago–Letterman was in a jovial mood and obviously proud of his new honor. “We work hard on these jokes,” he told Hugh, “ and I was especially proud of that one about Palin’s minor daughter. As you know, we compose these jokes ahead of time, and practice them many times before we do them live. This ensures that the audience gets the same high quality, knee slapping humor which keeps me at the top of the ratings.” When asked how he and his writers ever came up with anything so gosh darn funny as the Alex Rodriguez rape joke, he explained:  “Well, we said to ourselves, ‘what is the funniest subject we could possibly come up with that appeals to the prurient interests of a wide range of viewers, including child rapists, pedophiles, and macho men like myself who consider young females sexual objects?’ The answer was simple: What could possibly be funnier than an adult male baseball player raping a 14-year-old girl during the seventh inning stretch at a Yankees game? I mean, once the light bulb went off, I laughed until I cried! Judging from the reaction in the studio audience, my instincts were right. And, since it involves Sarah Palin, why we knew it would be well received. After all, next to the idea of statutory rape of a 14 year old, what could be funnier than to demean a well-rounded, conservative Republican woman in a stable marriage with all her kids born in wedlock, and who successfully runs a state? I mean, come on, what a loser….”

When asked what he had in store for his television audience in the future, Letterman lit up: “We are working on some more really good material about double amputees and elderly Alzheimer’s patients,” he replied. “This stuff is drop dead funny.” At this point, the Stoos Views reporter took his leave. As the reporter opened the door, Letterman shouted: “Hey, did you hear the one about the dead baby?” But the reporter did not stay for the punch line.

Note: If you wish to congratulate David Letterman on his recent honor and express your appreciation of his humor you can write The Late Show at: cbsmailbag@aol.com

By William Kevin Stoos  Tuesday, June 9, 2009

God bless the captives–Laura Ling and Euna Lee–the two young women journalists who were arrested, railroaded, and convicted by the highest court in North Korea for unspecified “hostile acts” [sic] against the government of North Korea.  The idea of spending twelve years in some hell hole at the mercy of the crazy, missile toting screwball who runs that country, should cause us all to say our prayers for these two young ladies that they return to us soon and in good health. They are going to need all the help they can get. 

However, the news that Obama may be sending an envoy to meet with the North Koreans, presents a golden opportunity to at once solve this potential international crisis, obtain the immediate release of these brave women, allow a pompous, self important windbag to demonstrate his courage and compassion and do perfect justice.

It seems that Obama is considering sending either Bill Richardson or Al Gore to North Korea to plead for the release of the hostages. This is not even a close call. The obvious choice is Al Gore. But not as an envoy; rather as a trade. After all, these two brave young women worked for Current TV–owned by none other than Al Gore. Were he the kind, compassionate, all-caring liberal and protector of all life on the planet as he presumes to be, then his path is obvious: he must take one for the team, travel to North Korea, offer himself up as a hostage and allow the journalists to be released. After all, were they not, in effect, his employees? Did they not undertake this dangerous assignment for the benefit of his business enterprise?  What sort of boss–seeing his underlings in such a perilous position–would not bravely surrender himself to the government of North Korea and allow himself to be kept as a hostage in their place?  Not so long ago, Captain Richard Phillips bravely traded himself to the Somalia pirates to insure the safety of his crew. It is time for Al Gore to show that same Maersk Alabama courage we witnessed in Captain Phillips not so long ago.

So, come on Al–take one for the team. Offer yourself up. You might be a bigger fish than these two young ladies and the North Korean government might have more leverage with you in custody than your employees. You could regale them with stories of how you invented the internet and were almost President; you could warn them of the evils of coal fired energy plants. We might enjoy that brief respite as well. We need all the brave, young female journalists that we can get. We have enough windbag politicians.