Stoos Views

The Difference Between Congress and a Chimp: No Chimp Ever Assaulted My Family or Endangered Its Future……

By William Kevin Stoos  Thursday, February 19, 2009
The recent New York Post cartoon showing a police officer shooting dead a chimpanzee, immediately prompted a very public and very predictable display of indignation from the Right Reverend Al “Show Biz” Sharpton–who never met a camera he did not like or a cause too trivial to champion. Of course, anyone who has read the news or watched TV in the past two days knows of the terrible tragedy involving a 200 pound pet chimp (owned by the most reckless person on the earth), which attacked and mauled a lady, who is now in serious condition–God bless her.

As everyone knows, the Post cartoon was at once a parody of the shooting of the killer chimp by the police and a commentary on the unpopularity (in most corners) of the so called stimulus bill–recently signed by Obama who returned from a leisurely vacation after nearly shrieking about how crucial it was for Congress to act on the stimulus bill immediately. 

Of course, the Right Reverend Sharpton–the only person on the planet who looked at the cartoon and thought of President Obama, construed it as a racist insult, and demanded an apology from the Post–missed the point entirely and showed once more that he fires before he takes aim.  Clearly, the bill was drafted by Nancy and Barney (See, Canada Free Press and Stoos Views:  “How Barney and Nancy Plan to Hose the American Taxpayer (I Got Your Stimulus Package Right Here)” (February 5, 2009) and not the President. While the chimp analogy does apply to Nancy and Barney, it does not apply to the President. He may be the trainer, but he is certainly no chimp.

The Right Reverend Sharpton’s recent indignation eruption and his attempt to read into the cartoon that which is not there, did remind me of a story about chimps and the stimulus bill. I recall that, long ago, some statistics professor gave an example of probabilities. Since I was not good at statistics I probably did not take great notes. But the story goes that if a million chimps sat at typewriters randomly punching the keys constantly for a million years, perhaps, by accident, one might in time, be able to type the Declaration of Independence.  Looking at the stimulus bill; the fact that no one in Congress had the time or inclination to read the whole thing in a matter of days; the fact that it will encumber our great-great-great-great grandchildren for the next two centuries; the fact that it would take a million years to count the dollars that Congress just appropriated for trivial pork projects, handouts to people who do not work and do not pay taxes, STD education, NEA funding, Frisbee parks, dog parks, and free ice cream for everyone; and the fact that very little of the money provided for in this bill is going to actually build things and put people to work, trained chimpanzees could likely have drafted a better bill. At least they could do no worse. The difference between Congress and a chimpanzee is simple:  no chimp has ever assaulted my family or endangered its future.

Copyright © 2009 William Kevin Stoos

By William Kevin Stoos Monday, February 16, 2009
- Satire-

Aging Grammy award-winning singer and Academy award-winning actress Cher recently told CNSNews.com that “living under Republican rule almost ‘killed’ her, and she does not understand why anyone would want to be a Republican.”[sic] The multi millionaire, much married, and largely irrelevant, vacuous singer/actress, who offered this unoriginal cheap shot against Bush and his party—so vogue among Hollywood celebs—has not done so badly under Republican and Democrat administrations over the last five decades; therefore no one was certain why she offered this commentary.

When asked by Stoos Views during a telephone interview why she supported Obama in the last election, Cher replied: “He is black, hip and—like me–sexy. Therefore, he will solve all of our problems.” The oft-remolded diva’s comments prompted Stoos Views, to conduct a national poll of the electorate this week to get the public’s take on the issue of “who would want to be a Republican” and related issues.

When a representative sampling of adults across the country was asked the question: “Would you want to be a Republican?” 51% percent said “no,” while 49% said “yes.” When asked in the same poll “Whether they cared at all what Cher thought about politics or anything else for that matter,” the results were as follows: 95% said, “no,” 4% responded, “is she still singing?” and 1% said, “yes.” Finally, the same poll revealed that, when asked: “Who would want to act like a teen ager, dress like a Gothic hooker, and sing half naked on stage at the age of 62,” a full 100% of those polled indicated they would not.

Copyright © 2009 William Kevin Stoos

Chris Tingle’s Partner Wins “2009 Dead Horse Award”

MSNBC Star Bush-Basher Keith Doberman Wins Coveted Journalism Prize

 By William Kevin Stoos  Sunday, February 8, 2009
- Satire -
It seems that the MSNBC Democratic attack dog duo of Chris “Tingle” Matthews and Keith “Mad Dog” Doberman, just cannot help themselves.  After his partner, Chris “Tingle Down the Leg When I Hear Barack Speak” Mathews, won the coveted Stoos Views 2008 “Bambi Award” for “Most Fawning Over a Political Candidate by a National News Personality” for his smarmy reporting on Candidate Barack Obama during the recent Presidential Election, this time it was the number two Democrat shill, Doberman , who struck gold.  This week, Stoos Views announced that its 2009 winner of the “Dead Horse Award” for “most unoriginal, repetitive, vitriolic national news reportage” went to none other than Keith Doberman.  While it was Tingle’s drooling over Obama like a lovesick school girl during the 2008 election that won him the Bambi Award, it was Doberman’s gratuitous, nightly vitriol against George W. Bush—no longer in the Oval Office—that earned Doberman the much sought after award for beating an issue to death.

This week, Stoos Views reporter, Hugh Betcha, traveled to the studios of “Down for the Count”—Doberman’s flagging nightly news show–which lags behind re-runs of “Lassie,” “Home Shopping Network,” “ Cooking With Esteban,” and “Best of All Star Wrestling 2006,” in the Nielsen ratings, to interview Doberman.  “As you know, I have been in the tank for my man Barack for so long, that, quite honestly, I forgot that Bush has lost the election and is no longer President,” Doberman admitted as he sat at his desk holding a George Bush bobble head doll between his hands.  “Like my buddy Chris Tingle, I have become such a shill for the Democrats that I frankly got carried away these past three weeks and started bashing Bush again,” he noted sheepishly. “Last week, one of my producers took me aside and asked why I continue to spend ten minutes a night bashing the ex-President with silly little “BUSHED!” segments featuring things I do not like about the ex-President.  But,” he said, “I think my role as an admittedly biased “reporter “ is to remind the public ad nauseum that I hate Bush, and never let them forget it. Sure there are some news items out there that I could spend my time on—little stuff like wars, poverty, famine, the fact that the Democrats in Congress have just mortgaged the future of the next five generations of Americans with the stimulus bill, the Barney Frank credit crisis, and stuff like that—but, honestly, it is so much easier to bash Bush and I find that I just cannot help myself. Some have suggested that I need treatment for my obsessive-compulsive Bush bashing disorder. Sure, our ratings could not suck enough; certainly, I felt bad that MSNBC (More Sycophants Nuzzling Barack Constantly) demoted Chris Tingle and me due to his admitted man crush on the new President and my insane hatred of Bush, but, hey, you gotta stand on principle.

Besides, I plan to run Chris Tingle’s 2010 senatorial campaign. So if MSNBC does not like the way I bash Bush, they can cram it! I got a new gig in 2010 anyway!” When asked what platform Tingle will run on in 2010, Doberman replied:  “There are two basic planks: 1. Whatever Obama says; and 2. We hate Bush.” When asked by Stoos Views whether Doberman is allowing his irrational personal hatred of all things Bush to cloud his judgment, Doberman became increasingly hostile, and began a sudden tirade which disturbed the reporter: “Hey, Bush was so evil and corrupt that I figure we can milk this for another ten years or so.  It is a win for Obama and a win for Tingle in 2010.  If things go badly for the Democrats, we can always blame it on Bush.  After all, every bad thing that has happened in the world was, in fact, caused by George Bush.”

At this point, the reporter began to feel a little creeped out as Doberman’s voice became ever louder and shriller. “ My mission in life is to remind the public over and over again how bad this man was and all the bad things he did.  First, as you know from watching my show each night, as 5,000 other Americans do, Bush is the “WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD.” I have researched this, and it is true.  He is Lucifer, the Devil, Beelzebub, The Great Satan, and the Anti Christ.  Everyone knows what Bush did:  From personally training the 911 terrorists in Saudi Arabia, to causing the smog during the Beijing Olympics; murdering thousands in Darfur, causing global warming—which resulted in the deaths of thousands of polar bears and seals–and poisoning our peanut butter with salmonella! That is not all,” he continued, eyes narrowing, his face contorted, and turning redder.  “He, personally, tortured prisoners in Gitmo, caused the record cold temperatures across the country, caused the devastating fires in Australia this week, committed six axe murders, and ordered the CIA to seed the clouds in the Atlantic—causing Hurricane Katrina for the purpose of killing black people– and he shoots radar waves at my head whenever I leave the studio!” At this point Doberman fell out of his chair screaming and bit the head off the George Bush bobble head doll, whereupon Stoos Views hastily concluded the interview and ran out….

How Barney and Nancy Plan to Hose The American Taxpayer

 By William Kevin Stoos  Thursday, February 5, 2009

- Satire -
As the Senate debates the stimulus package previously passed by the House, the issue appears to be not so much whether the economy needs to be stimulated, but what portion to stimulate.  On that subject, Barney Frank, who, along with Chris Dodd engineered the FANNIE MAE-FREDDIE MAC debacle, has his own ideas. Stoos Views interviewed Frank this week on the subject of the current debate in Washington over how best to get the country moving again. It was, all in all, a rather bizarre interview.

“I got your stimulus package right here!” exclaimed Frank and he walked into the room doing his grotesque best to impersonate a famous Michael Jackson dance move.  After politely refusing to shake the Congressman’s hand, Stoos Views sat down with him to talk. Noting that most of the proposed multi billion dollar “stimulus package” had nothing whatever to do with the creation of jobs, building infrastructure, or freeing up the credit market, Stoos Views questioned the thinking behind the House plan, touted by Frank and San Fran Nan Pelosi. Frank bristled at the suggestion that his and the Speaker’s priorities might be a little unusual.

“Hey,” Frank began, “we won the freakin’ election, in case no one noticed, and it is time to prioritize our spending and do what is right. I get tired when the Republicans whine and moan about creation of jobs. We don’t need to create jobs, we need to provide for the welfare and comfort of people who do nothing, have nothing, and are disinclined to work. Have we forgotten that there are people out there who do not work, do not pay taxes, who took out home loans with no ability to repay them; who sit around on welfare, watch TV, have unprotected promiscuous sex and make babies? Who cares for them? The Democrats, that’s who! Those hard working “privileged” Americans who have jobs, create wealth, pay high taxes, employ people, pay for their own TV, live within their means, try to do everything right and do not depend on the government to bail them out–those who pay their bills, do not expect hand outs, who have figured out how to convert their own TV sets and do not need the federal government to help them, will simply have to pay for those who depend on the government for everything.  As George Washington said, ‘From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs.’ Or, was that Karl Marx? I forget….Further, the hard working American taxpayer will also have to pay for the mistakes of incompetent public officials who were supposed to oversee corrupt financial institutions from whom they accepted tens of thousands of dollars in “donations” and, in some cases, sexual services. Remember, as the Vice President said, ‘it is your patriotic duty to pay high taxes and finance our insurmountable public debt.’ After all, our goal is equality of result and not equality of opportunity.”

When asked who the stimulus package was supposed to benefit, Frank replied:  “Nancy and I have written some important provisions into the bill that we feel are sorely needed in order to set things right.  These reflect good old fashion San Francisco values and my moral vision for America.  First, and most importantly, we have provided millions of dollars for condoms. I know how important these things are. We want to ensure that all persons engaged in promiscuous sex–which of course we encourage–have access to condoms, free of charge so they can engage in random sexual activity. No person in this great country should have to worry about paying for condoms–that is a travesty. We have also added in hundreds of millions for education on the prevention of sexually transmitted diseases–another favorite program of ours. Think how many people will be employed teaching sex education in schools and elsewhere. Sure, it is not like creating jobs at Caterpillar or building things, but, at a projected cost of only $500,000 per sex education teacher, we feel it is a bargain and well worth it. Then, there is AMTRAK. We need to pour hundreds of millions into a federally subsidized train system which–unlike the trains in Europe–do not make money and never run on time. But, hey, thousands of people on welfare take the train and we need to provide for them as well. Additionally, we are proud to provide tax breaks for people who pay no income taxes at all. Some might call this “welfare,” but we view it as an incentive to get back into the work force. After all, by sending people who do not work or pay taxes a tax rebate, they can imagine that they have worked and paid taxes. This will give them a feeling of self respect that they may not have. Best of all, we are allotting the NEA tens of millions of dollars so the government can pay strange people to create artwork that no one understands, is outright sacrilegious, or promotes alternate lifestyles. I recall fondly that in the late sixties, the National Endowment for the Arts spent $15,000 of the taxpayers’ hard earned money to a photographer, Andres Serrano, to create that lovely photograph of a crucifix submerged in the photographer’s own urine, entitled “Piss Christ.” [sic] Just think how many thousands of such works of art the government could underwrite with the funds we have included in the current stimulus package!  Of course, who can forget the wonderful work of Maplethorpe whose homoerotic photographs captured the attention and admiration of hundreds of people who, well, love the display of the male organ in all of its forms? Or, the guy who, at taxpayers expense, displayed the American flag and invited viewers of his work to stand on it? Yes, by spending tens of millions of dollars on the NEA, as provided in the current stimulus package, we will spawn more work for a few artists and enable them to act out their perverted fantasies, and their hatred of the same America that funds them at taxpayers’ expense. As you can see, the package does a lot of good things for the country. Sure we have lost a lot of construction jobs, factory jobs, retail jobs, and so forth, but with these millions we can entertain the newly unemployed and take their minds off of the fact that we in the government have done very little to actually help them.. Of course, only 4% of the funds are devoted to construction of highways and building of bridges; but if more people rode the AMTRAK, then we would not have to worry so much about the crumbling bridges and potholes would we?”

When asked about aid to states–many of which are asking for federal help as well– Barney replied: “Yes we have provided help for the states as well. Those who could not manage their own affairs will be bailed out by Uncle Sugar. We envision many new and exciting projects that are bound to get this country back on its feet. We have heard from state and local officials about such worthy projects as a Mafia museum, a polar bear exhibit, a dog track, Frisbee golf course, and a program to curb smoking and prostitution. We also plan to allot funds for Al Gore to travel the world in his private jet and lecture on global warming, give tax breaks to people who ride their bikes to work now and then, and develop bovine anal methane collectors which farmers can use to collect cattle emissions and prevent pollution of the atmosphere. This bill is a candy store and we have treats for everyone who needs money for virtually anything.”

When asked who exactly will benefit from the current House version of the stimulus package, Frank replied: “Well, the demographic group that would most benefit from this program of over $900 billion in federal handouts, and who are most likely to jump start our economy, would be the chronically unemployed, smoking, professional welfare recipient, who does not pay taxes, does not create jobs, watches TV all day and desperately needs a converter box but cannot afford it, reads porn, engages in promiscuous sex, and depends on the government for food, and lodging, and rides the train to apply to the local welfare office for additional benefits. In short, many of my constituents.”

When asked, really, what experience Frank had in running anything, much less a business that actually employed people, created wealth and generated tax revenue for the public coffers, he bristled:  “Of course I have no experience in the real world and have never run a business, like all those “rich people” making $250,000 per year who work 14-16 hours per day and employ people. But I have been elected to tell Americans how their hard earned tax dollars should be spent, and spending their money like a drunken sailor is what we do here in Congress. The best part is, since incumbents get re-elected 90% of the time, even an incompetent guy like me can stay here forever!”

At the conclusion of the interview, Frank held up a condom. Pointing to it, he warned Stoos Views:  “This is what we in Congress are about to do to hard working, middle class Americans who pay their taxes, create wealth, and expect nothing in return. And believe me, it ain’t gonna feel good.”