Stoos Views

Chris Tingle’s Man Crush on Obama

Is That A Microphone in Your Pocket Or Are You Happy To See Me?

 By William Kevin Stoos  Friday, January 30, 2009
Was it love at first sight or his own desire to run for public office some day that led Chris “Tingle” Matthews to drool over Barack Obama during the 2008 President election?  Or was it a little of both?  Whatever it was, Matthews, the proud recipient of the 2008 “Bambi” award for “Most Fawning Over a Politician by a National News Commentator,” makes no attempt to hide his man crush on the newly elected President.

“Sure the media is supposed to be dispassionate and report the news objectively,” Chris Matthews told Stoos Views today in a candid “tell all” interview about his man crush on the new President, “but, hey, that went out the window with this guy,” he said, smiling as he pointed to his autographed portrait of President Obama which hangs prominently in the “Obama Room” in Matthews’ home.  “He is so freaking hot!” Matthews replied, like a love struck high school kid. “Like Al Roker said during the inauguration, ‘Obama is one good looking guy’ and ‘he is one president who can take his shirt off.’ Frankly, I would like to see more of that,” Matthews replied sheepishly. “Talk about a stimulus package..he’s it!”

Looking around Matthews’ “Obama Room,” it is clear that his relationship to the new President is anything but the typical President-reporter relationship.  In addition to his normal reportage for MSNBC (More Sycophants Nuzzling Barack Constantly), Matthews started a national Obama Fan Club—of which he is the President—and spends his nights sending out membership cards and wallet size portraits of the new President to the ever increasing number of Obama Fan Club members across the country. Between the life size portrait of Obama that hangs prominently on the wall, the shelves of Obama memorabilia from the campaign which Matthews covered like a rock star groupie, the series of sexy “Obama at the Beach” shots of the new President striding out of the surf in Hawaii (“My favorites!” he gushed as he pointed to them) and the collection of scattered debris left on the National Mall which Matthews scooped up by the sack full after the President’s Inaugural Speech, the Obama Room is a testament to the “special “ relationship between this reporter and the new President.

There was one awkward moment during the tour, when Matthews stopped in front of a glass case to remove what appeared to be several cigarette butts mounted on a felt board. “These were actually smoked by the President,” Matthews gushed, “how cool is that?” he said as he feigned a puff.  “I sneaked one of his aides a ten spot if he would police up a couple of butts and give them to me.” Next, Matthews stopped to pick up a white hand towel, which hung prominently on another wall, encased in glass as well. “He used this to wipe his face during that basketball scrimmage on election day—remember we covered that? I slipped a Secret Service guy five bucks to swipe a sweat towel. I do have some contacts you know.”

When asked about his famous “I felt this thrill going up my leg when I hear him speak and I don’t get that very often,” he was unfazed. “Yeah I said it; I don’t apologize for it. This guy is hot and the tingle is still there.  Keith Olberman gets it too.  We talk about “the tingle” all the time. He just hides his emotions better. Hey, it is the 21st century!  Anything goes. Man crushes are cool. ” When asked about his and Olberman’s demotion by MSNBC as lead anchors for live political events, due to their strident anti-Republican, anti-Bush rhetoric and smarmy treatment of Obama, Matthews shrugged it off. “As I said on national television, ‘I want this man to succeed.’ My anchor job is a small price to pay for getting “my guy” in.  Besides, in 2010 when I run for the Senate, he will remember me as the national newsperson most willing to shill for the Democratic ticket and drop all pretense of objective reportage.  He owes me big time! Of course, I have already talked to his senior staff several times and, well, let us just say they would be more than happy to help me run against Specter in 2010. Obama will come and campaign for me. And we will be able to hang out… that will be so cool!” he giggled.  “Sucking up has its rewards after all.”

(Satire)
Copyright © 2009 William Kevin Stoos

Anxious to Kill More Americans

Obama’s “Adopt a Jihadist Program” Part 2: Gitmo Honor Graduate Resumes Career

 By William Kevin Stoos  Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Speaking through an interpreter at an undisclosed location in the wilds of South Dakota, Said Ali al-Shihiri, recent releasee and Honor Graduate of Guantanamo, spoke with Stoos Views today about his promotion to head of the Al Qaeda network in Yemen. Recently rehabilitated in Saudi Arabia (at once the “ally” of the United States and full-time financier of jihadists world wide), al Shihiri expressed gratitude for his release from Gitmo, his Saudi patrons, and the new spirit of naiveté on the part of the United States government which made his release and that of his fellow prisoners possible.

“What a country!” he exclaimed as he praised the United States government. “One day I am attacking and killing Americans from bases in Pakistan, the next I am taken to your Guantanamo. There I enjoyed a six-year vacation with my fellow jihadists and was eventually released to the care of the Saudi Government. Here I am, the head of my own organization, planning attacks on your embassy and American interests all over the region. I want to thank the Great Satan for providing me with three religiously correct meals per day, daily exercise, the right to study my religion, free medical care, sunshine, and great weather. We certainly did not get this when I was hiding in the mountains and foraging for roots and berries. It was a pleasant diversion from the battlefield. And,” he smiled, “it sure beats getting your head cut off doesn’t it? Now that I have been “rehabilitated” by the Saudis at the “House of Saud 911 Memorial Training Center,” I am ready once more to kill Jews, Christians, Hindus, Muslims who happen to be in the way, and all non-believers once more. It was an honor to train where the 911 high jackers trained and I cannot thank my Saudi brothers enough for all the work they do to support jihad—whether it is the monetary support, the building of madrassas all over the world, or the state of the art terrorist training.  My rehabilitation was so successful, I got a promotion—praise Allah!”

He was effusive in his praise for the new President of the United States and his recently announced “Adopt-A-Jihadist” program (See, Canada Free Press, January 15, 2009 “Obama’s ‘Adopt-A-Jihadist Program for Gitmo Prisoners” © 2009 William Kevin Stoos for Stoos Views) in which al-Shihiri’s fellow prisoners are scheduled to be placed at various locations across the United States, including: the White House basement; the private residences of Sean Penn, Susan Sarandon, and John Murtha; the ACLU headquarters; and in several European countries anxious to harbor more jihadist fanatics.  “We in al-Qaeda take great joy in your President’s desire to release my fellow jihadists. Thanks to the President, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, the Supreme Court, and the entire American left wing Intelligentsia, my brothers in battle will soon be released and rehabilitated just like me. We thank Allah for the change in administrations, the imminent closure of Guantanamo, and the release of my brothers.  Isn’t it odd?  While we are learning more effective ways to bomb Americans, better ways to cut off the heads of our captives, how to deliver smaller nuclear weapons, and pathogens that can wipe out millions, your President worries about how best to give Constitutional rights to America’s sworn enemies. It seems that your government just cannot wait to release the very people who are dying to attack your soldiers and destroy your country. We are amazed at how willing you are to fall on your sword and treat your Constitution as a suicide pact. For this, we are eternally grateful.”

When asked about the recent announcement by Speaker of the House Nancy “Robespierre” Pelosi that she would like to prosecute President Bush and Vice President Cheney for war crimes, al-Shihiri smiled, “Ironic isn’t it?  You seek to jail those who would protect you and free those who would destroy you. No wonder you will lose the War on Terror. My rehabilitated brothers and I will enjoy watching the war crimes trial on C-SPAN from the comfort of my home while your government eats itself.”

Will Try Bush, Cheney, and Kerry

Pelosi’s Post-Partisanship War Crimes Tribunal

 By William Kevin Stoos  Thursday, January 22, 2009
Nancy P.D.A. Pelosi, 60th Speaker of the House and second in the line of presidential succession behind Vice President Joe Biden, made it clear in an exclusive interview with Stoos Views today that heads will roll now that the new administration has taken over Washington. But, at least some of them will belong to Democrats. Heeding President Obama’s Inaugural Address, in which he pledged an end to partisanship, she told Stoos Views that, while she is eager to prosecute former President George Bush and former Vice President Dick Cheney for “war crimes,” her witch-hunt will at least be non-partisan.

“Since I am the Speaker of the House, I have the power to order an investigation with a view toward exploring whether or not the former President and Vice President may have, somehow, some way, directly, or indirectly, possibly, done something for which they can be prosecuted.  Since that little Texas pipsqueak and Darth Vader are gone, I do not have to pretend to be nice to them any longer.” When asked if this was the most judicious use of the Congress’ time, she replied: “Hey, I think our highest and best calling at this moment in history is to conduct hearings into this matter, spend tens of millions of dollars, consume countless hours of Congressional time, and risk dividing the country so badly that we may not heal, so we might learn whether or not there is some way to drag our former officials through the mud and send them to jail. We have a lot of time on our hands, and it is not as if we are fighting two wars, our economy is in shambles, we have to worry about thousands of terrorists who want to destroy our country and kill our citizens, or we have thousands of young people in harm’s way overseas, or anything. No, what we need right now is a good old- fashioned inquisition. It will serve as a deterrent to future misconduct, keep our elected officials in line, and ensure that no terrorist or enemy of the United States is ever made to feel uncomfortable again. If we can possibly hang this water-boarding thing on Bush and Cheney, then no terrorist will ever have to fear being made to feel uncomfortable again. ”

When asked about the wisdom of prosecuting public officials because some terrorist had a bucketful of water poured on his head and was made to divulge information that saved thousands of Americans from death, Pelosi bristled: “What is more important— the lives of thousands of innocent Americans who have done nothing wrong and just want to live in peace, or protecting a terrorist who is made to feel uncomfortable?” To me, it is a simple choice—terrorists are humans too and should be treated with dignity.  If I learn that one terrorist had water poured on his face against his will, and the former President or Vice President knew or should have known, I will conduct a hearing, prefer charges, and see that they are prosecuted for war crimes. If they are hanged, so be it. Better that those who tried to protect this country hang, than for some foreigner who tried to kill us have his face soaked in water. Maybe it is just my good old- fashioned San Francisco values coming through, but, hey, someone has to stand up for the enemies of this country against the abuses of men who protected us for the past 7 years. “

Asked whether her prosecution of Bush and Cheney might be viewed as rabidly partisan in nature, she replied confidently, “No, not at all. You see, as Speaker of the House I also have the power to appoint a manager and institute impeachment proceedings against Representatives or Senators or civil officers, pursuant to the Constitution. Since our President has directed that we rise above partisan politics and enter a post partisan era of cooperation, respect for both sides, and equal treatment for all, I have decided to order an inquiry into the conduct of Senator John Kerry. You may recall that in 1971 he testified before Congress in the Winter Soldier hearings, that United States soldiers in Viet Nam were reminiscent of the hordes of Genghis Khan and laid waste to villages, killed innocent people, cut ears off people, and tortured people.  In fact, as I recall, we may have the manuscripts of that testimony. I also recall that, on Meet the Press, he admitted:

‘There are all kinds of atrocities and I would have to say that, yes, yes, I committed the same kind of atrocities as thousands of other soldiers have committed in that I took part in shootings in free-fire zones.  I conducted harassment and interdiction fire.  I used 50-caliber machine guns, which we were granted and ordered to use, which were our only weapon against people.  I took part in search-and-destroy missions, in the burning of villages.  All of this is contrary to the laws of warfare.  All of this is contrary to the Geneva Conventions and all of this ordered as a matter of written established policy by the government of the United States from the top down.’

Therefore, since he either knew of, and failed to report, such conduct–which is misprision of a felony–or engaged in such conduct himself, then such actions would constitute a high crime or misdemeanor, a violation of the Code of Military Justice, and would render him subject to possible impeachment by the House—which I, of course run.  Whether the Senate would convict him or not, well, that is a different story. However, regardless, in the spirit of bipartisanship and reaching across the aisle, I have decided to pursue not only the criminal investigation against Bush and Cheney, but the impeachment of John Kerry for war crimes as well.  After all, it is only fair isn’t it? There is no possible way we can go after Bush and Cheney, who only arguably committed a war crime, while failing to investigate and impeach Senator Kerry who openly confessed to war crimes during his tour in Viet Nam is there? “

When asked about the wisdom of punishing public figures who tried in good faith to protect America or punishing decorated veterans like Kerry, who fought for this country, Pelosi was unapologetic.  Thrusting her fist in the air, Pelosi shouted:  “The socialist revolution is almost complete!  As Robespierre once said, ‘some must die so the country may live.’ Right now, I have the guillotine and I intend to use it…fairly of course.”

- satire -

Gore: Record Cold Snap Is Actually Global Warming

By William Kevin Stoos Sunday, January 18, 2009
Just back from a world tour to promote his new book, No, Really, It Is Global Warming! Internet inventor Al Gore talked to Stoos Views in an effort to address mounting world skepticism about global warming and whether Gore is indeed the savior of the planet. Stopping by Stoos Views headquarters in Wynstone, South Dakota, Gore talked to the reporter while lending a hand clearing the four feet of global warming off his driveway.

“To the uneducated and those, unlike myself, who are untrained in geography, climatology, physics, chemistry and astronomy,” Gore began, “it might appear that it has been unusually cold these past few weeks.  If you are like the vast majority of Americans who know nothing about science and are standing there in your four and five foot snow drifts, facing fifty below wind chills, and wondering about the thirty below temperatures from Wyoming to Vermont, and temperatures in the single digits in Georgia, you might say to yourself, ‘how can the winner of the Nobel Prize and Inventor of the Internet be so wrong’?”

Gore continued, “Actually, these bone chilling record temperatures are perfectly consistent with global warming and exactly what I expected. This is what I call “Polar Displacement.” The inconvenient truth is that the North Pole is so warm now that huge masses of hot polar air are rising upwards, displacing the formerly cold air and pushing the old arctic air downward. The effect is that the formerly frigid arctic air is now pushed into the United States, Europe and Asia, causing record lows in those regions. While polar bears are clinging to what little ice remains in the North Pole, shedding their coats, and sweating in the warm waters of the Arctic as steam clouds are rising, the countries of North America, Europe and Asia are getting colder and colder. The unusual polar warmth worries the polar bears and causes them to emit methane more frequently, which simply compounds the problem. In time, this unusual cold snap will abate as warm winds blow in from the North Pole; North America, Europe and Asia will thaw and turn into desert while the equatorial countries will eventually experience a mini ice age and become frigid as well. If you had studied these trends as I have, you would know this. Eventually,” he continued, “the frigid air will continue to move southward. The process will take a few years, but in time the whole world will experience desertification and all people, plants, and animals will die. Twenty years—tops. End of story.”

Gore discussed his latest trip to China. Flying his private jet, which emitted sixty tons of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere on the way and burned $50,000 of fuel, Gore lectured the Chinese government on the subject of clean air. He warned them to stop building coal-fired power plants–which the Chinese are building at the rate of one per week. “I told them to clean up their act,” Gore noted, “and I think they appreciated my candor. Most of them have read my book and I think they realize that everything I say is true—they must rely on wind power, solar power and other non-polluting renewable energy sources. I feel certain that they will follow my advice and I expect them to cease construction on all new coal powered electrical plants immediately. When I ended my speech, the crowd went silent. I think they were spellbound. It was gratifying. As I left the hall, there was a thunderous chant: “Dung chow zhing!”(1) or words to that effect. I am told it meant, ‘Thank you for your wisdom!’ It was most exhilarating to know that they appreciated my message.”

Gore brushed off rumors that copies of “Inconvenient Truth” are flying off the shelves. Midwesterners are said to be using them as kindling.

- Satire

(1) Actual translation: “Pompous windbag!”

 OBAMA’S “ADOPT-A-JIHADIST” PLAN FOR GITMO PRISONERS                            (White House, Hollywood, ACLU To Participate)

                               Copyright © 2009 William Kevin Stoos

            True to his campaign promise, President-Elect Barack Obama, tells  Stoos Views that he will order the closure of the military prison at Guantanamo in an effort to show the world the “softer side of the War on Terror.” 

“It is unconscionable that we are holding these people at Gitmo,“ Obama noted, “when all they did was to find themselves in the middle of a battlefield in Afghanistan or Iraq, where our troops happened to be. God knows they could have been innocent victims of this misguided war effort. They could have been herding sheep, harvesting poppies, or just hanging out. While it is rumored that some may have had weapons and may have been shooting in a war zone, where is the proof that they were shooting at our boys over there? How do we know they were not hunting mountain goats when they were taken into custody?  This is why we must bring them to the States, give them defense attorneys at taxpayer expense, and a full-fledged hearing–just as any American citizen would receive. We need to get to the bottom of this and show the world that we are, above all, a compassionate people. Sure some of the prisoners who have been released earlier have shown up on foreign battlefields and killed some of our boys and girls over in Iraq and Afghanistan, but, hey, what is more important–our national security and the lives of our soldiers, or the need to give foreign nationals who may be found on battlefields with guns in their hands, the legal rights afforded all American citizens?  Besides,” he continued, “it is inhumane to keep them locked up, feed them three hot meals a day, allow then to read the Koran, allow them to exercise, give them free medical care, allow them to say their prayers and provide for their care and comfort when they could be back in the caves and rocks of the Hindu Kush foraging for roots and berries–as they prefer. Nope,” he continued, “I want to bring them back to the States and show the world that we are all about due process and defense lawyers at taxpayer expense.”         When asked what would actually be done with the prisoners once the prison was closed, Obama hesitated:  “I have found during the past few weeks that my campaign promises were, well, a little harder to keep than I imagined.  As I get closer to assuming the White House, I realize that it is one thing to take shots at Bush, but another to actually occupy the hot seat. Accordingly, we are changing our motto from: “Yes We Can!” to: “Maybe We Will!”  When pressed for an answer as to what he will do with the prisoners when he orders the closure of Gitmo, Obama responded:  “Well, I have not really given a lot of thought to exactly what we do with them, but do have some ideas.  Ted Kennedy, Nancy, Harry, and I have been kicking this around a little. I think that putting them in prison in the United States would be too cruel. They could get hurt there and we do not want them to be uncomfortable in any way. Therefore I have proposed a plan called “Adopt-A-Jihadist.”  Under that plan I plan to house several dozen in the basement of the White House–until private homes can be found for each–and give them jobs such as maintaining the lawn, cleaning, painting, and other such meaningful work. This would save the government money and give the jihadists that sense of pride that comes with honest work. We need to restore their dignity and make them feel at home while they await their court hearings.  We think this plan is workable and allows us to house and feed them in a more congenial setting while their taxpayer-funded trials are pending. Since we cannot accommodate all of them in the White House, we are offering tax credits to any U.S. citizen who offers to take in one or two. The response to this proposal so far has been overwhelming.  Hollywood–which is way ahead of Middle America on these issues and far more enlightened–has really stepped up to the plate. So far we have had generous offers from well meaning citizens such as Sean Penn, Tim Robbins, Susan Sarandon and Harry Belafonte to name a few. Heck, Reverend Wright has also offered to take a couple in. He has a nice house in a rich gated community in Chicago and has plenty of room in his two million dollar home. My friend, Billy Ayers, has also offered to take some as well. I have heard from Bill O’Reitz, President of the ACLU. He advises that the ACLU is more than happy to take in several at their headquarters–which works out nicely. They can then work on their legal cases and live with their attorneys at the same time. It is a win-win for all of us.”

          Obama continued: “It seems that for some reason, these prisoners are not welcome in their own country. I just cannot figure this out. We have asked Afghanistan, the Saudis, Pakistan, Kuwait, Yemen, and other countries to take back their foreign nationals who are currently in Gitmo. Amazingly, all have declined. So, we plan to make them welcome here. Of course, they must promise in writing not to escape and not to conspire against the United States. We will give them a form to sign for that purpose. We expect to strictly enforce that promise and impose guidelines on them–sort of the same strict guidelines we imposed when we handed out $350 billion to the banks last year.  As the Army Field Manual says: ‘All prisoners must be treated humanely and cannot be made to feel uncomfortable.’ So, the Obama Administration will make them feel at home. Sure, there is some risk to the public that they might escape, kill, bomb, or conspire against the United States; however, that is a chance we will jut have to take. After all, we need to make up for the sins of the past and show the world that we are a kinder, gentler nation and will fight the War on Terror with compassion and love. That is certain to make the terrorists all over the world love and respect us and I am convinced that this will in a very short time result in an end to terrorism and war throughout the world. The world will love us for this.”

          As an additional gesture of good faith and friendship to terrorists everywhere, Obama noted that: “The United States will suspend all wiretapping for 30 days, so that no one in the country or any foreign national need fear that any private conversations will be intercepted. Further, we will prosecute to the fullest extent of the law any United States soldier, sailor, airman or marine who makes any enemy soldier fighting U.S. forces in Iraq or Afghanistan uncomfortable in any way.” He advised Stoos Views that the government intends to drop leaflets into Afghanistan, Pakistan, and Iraq advising potential enemy soldiers that they are to report to the United States military command any mistreatment or discomfort they feel at the hands of United States soldiers and informing them of their rights to sue in United States federal courts any such soldiers who treat them mean.

In conclusion, Obama added this warning: “I have appointed Eric Holder to run the Department of Justice, and his first task will be to ensure the rights of the terrorists. Since Mr. Holder is experienced in pardoning criminals and terrorists, he is the man for the job. I will instruct Eric Holder to prosecute any United States military personnel who treats an enemy combatant mean. This includes cursing at them, making fun of them, and calling them names.”

(satire)

Will Retire as Dictator

Chavez models new clothing line

 By William Kevin Stoos  Tuesday, January 13, 2009
In a rare interview with Stoos Views, Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez, shown here with his pet parrot, Pepe, modeled a new line of clothing soon to be marketed by him under the brand name “Hugo!” ®

Speaking through an interpreter, the Venezuelan strongman, who has amassed billions in personal wealth and ruled the country with an iron hand while half his subjects live at or below the poverty line, confessed:

“Sure I have accomplished much. I have salted away billions of dollars in oil money for my own personal retirement fund, built CITGO stations which drain hundreds of millions of petrodollars from the Gringo economy, integrated my military with Cuba’s, bought Russian arms and ammunition, become a Chinese puppet, established a bloc of anti-American left wing socialist countries in South America, and lived a lavish lifestyle while half of my countrymen starve, but somehow all these accomplishments are not enough. I need a new challenge,” he said wistfully.  “So, I have decided to pass the ball to the younger generation. The results of the last election have shown me it is just a matter of time before the people take back their own country and tire of the censorship, the corruption, the narco-government, the jailings, the stifling of dissent, and kick me out. I would like to go out while I am still on top. Besides, I am tired of entertaining smarmy left-wing American actors like Sean Penn–who have never met a dictator they did not like–and it will be nice not to have to hang out with the likes of him. Fidel and I always laugh about this–Penn just loves to suck up to us.”

Chavez, shown here demonstrating his “Bird of Paradise” ensemble, noted, “I have always wanted to design and market obnoxious, flamboyant clothing to fit my personality, so I decided to retire and promote my new collection. Soon, the rest of the world can look as good as I.” Chavez told Stoos Views in closing that he plans to retire in Florida where he will promote his new line and manage his CITGO stations. “It is quite a departure from what I am doing, but, hey, I need a change.”

As he turned to leave Hugo and Pepe, the reporter asked: “Is he trainable?” “No,” the parrot replied in perfect English, “he is just a fat loser.”

BURRIS DENIED SENATE SEAT FOR NOW

(Needs Extra Office for Ego)

Copyright © 2008 William Kevin Stoos

        Roland Burris, Senator-Designate from the State of Illinois, has been denied a seat in the United States Senate for now.  The newly-appointed successor to Barack Obama reluctantly accepted the appointment by Illinois Governor  Rod Blagojevich, after expressing his total disgust at the “appalling behavior” [sic] of the Governor–who is accused of trying to sell Obama’s Senate seat to the highest bidder. His disgust at the behavior of Rod “Big Bucks” Blagojevich was apparently trumped by the fact that he, Burris, is the smartest, most experienced, most qualified person in the entire State of Illinois and there was no person in the entire state who was more qualified to serve in the Senate. Therefore, according to Burris, it was incumbent upon him to hold his nose and accept the appointment as United States Senator, for the good of Illinois, the United States and the world.

        In view of his vast experience as Comptroller of the State of Illinois–a critical position in state government and one that allowed him years of experience as a low level ,  boring bureaucratic functionary–as well as his demonstrated ability to lose elections at every level of government in Illinois, including Mayor of Chicago, the United States Senate, and Governor of Illinois, Burris announced that he is the man for the job: “I am the most qualified person in Illinois, the United States, and possibly on the planet, for the position of United States Senator,” he told  a Stoos Views reporter this week. “And, I come highly recommended by the Hon. Rod Blagojevich, Governor of the great State of Illinois who is correct when he says that I am a good and honest man.”  He continued: “Although the Governor is soon to be indicted for trying to sell this honorable office which I am uniquely qualified to hold, although no one in the world recognizes this appointment or wants to seat me under this cloud of suspicion; even though it would be better for the Democrats, the country, the United States Senate, and the people of Illinois to have a Senator whose appointment avoids even the appearance of impropriety;  and although the Governor is a scoundrel, in this particular matter, he must be trusted. I have asked my self a thousand times who is the best person in the world for this job. A thousand times I have concluded it is I. I am a good and honest, upright and trustworthy man, and the Governor was right to praise me. Everyone does. Would I name my children Roland and Rolanda after a bad person? No, I named my wonderful children after the most honest, good hearted, and qualified person ever to occupy a Senate seat….me.”

        When asked about his lavish mausoleum containing all the accomplishments of his lifetime, “Trail Blazer” Burris gave a clue as to why he chose to accept the appointment: “When I built this beautiful mausoleum so generations to come could visit it and view the marvelous works I have performed during this lifetime, I thought it was important that posterity know just what a great person I am. I knew that some day–being the wonderful person that I am–it was inevitable that I would be a Senator…or perhaps even President. God knows how far my talent will take me. So, I planned ahead and left an extra four inches on the wall of the mausoleum for the words ‘UNITED STATES SENATOR.’ Now, it has come to pass and I can fill in the blank. It is important not only for me, but for the sake of the kids who were named after me, the State of Illinois, the United States, and the world. Two hundred years from now, people will look at this and say–‘there lies a good and honest man, the most qualified person ever to serve in the Senate.’ That is my wish for the country, and you have seen it in your lifetime.”

        Wiping a tear from his eye, he concluded the interview with Stoos Views and walked off silently. This reporter was moved to tears as well.

        When Senator “Dirty Harry” Reid was interviewed about the Burris fiasco, he noted bluntly: “If it were not for the fact that “Big Bucks” Blagojevich appointed Mr. Burris, we might have seated him today; however, the main problem was not how he was appointed. Our main problem was space. We could not find an extra office for his ego.”

“Free Palestine!” …From Hamas

“There will be peace in the Middle East when the Arabs love their children more than they hate the Jews.” Gold Meir

Our friend and ally, Israel, is a small but powerful island of democracy, industriousness, peace, and prosperity in a boiling cauldron of religious fanaticism, hatred, and ignorance that is the Middle East. After fighting for independence, it has overcome every obstacle, and faced and defeated the united armies of all its Arab neighbors. Time and time again, it has suffered from homicide bombers, random terror attacks, and rockets raining down on peaceful villages. Although a handful of Arab states have recognized the right of Israel to exist and have denounced attacks on Israel, many remain openly hostile to the Jewish state or subtly support and finance Hamas and Hezbollah in their efforts to eliminate the Jewish people from the face of the earth.  Others, like Saudi Arabia, publicly condemn terrorism yet remain the biggest financier and cheerleader of jihad in the world. (See, Shadow World, by Dr. Robert Chandler, and “Dangerous Illusions—Book Review of Shadow World by William Kevin Stoos ” amazon.com (2008) and Stoos Views) When Israel is attacked by Hamas and Hezbollah, the Arab street protests, condemns Israel, and calls for its destruction.  The pathetically irrelevant U.N. also condemns Israel for “over reacting,” and protests the “disproportionate” use of force by Israel when it retaliates with military force against Hamas or Hezbollah. Sadly, such retaliation inevitably leads to the innocent loss of life among the civilian populace—behind whom the cowardly terrorists are only too happy to hide. This of course begs the question: “What is proportionate?” When your neighbors equip, finance, and harbor Hamas and Hezbollah and vow to wipe your country off the map, when you are struggling for your very survival, the terms “proportionate response” and “equivalency” sound hollow and irrelevant.

Just two months ago, Israeli intelligence sources noted that the terrorist group Hezbollah went on a shopping spree, purchasing three thousand missiles and an untold number of RPG-2s from Russia’s military weapons purveyor Bazalt. Bazalt is especially good at manufacturing the sort of rocket-propelled grenades designed to knock out Israeli tanks and missiles designed to be fired at peaceful Israeli villages.  When the United States protested the sale, Russia politely noted our concern, and then sold them anyway.  Iran picked up the tab for this purchase.  Where was the international condemnation of Hezbollah, Russia, or Iran two months ago when this terrorist organization purchased 3000 missiles? Just what did the world think this terrorist organization– sworn to the destruction of the State of Israel –was going to do with these missiles anyway?  For years, Hamas has also employed Russian missiles with against Israel.  Neither the United Nations, nor the Arab street, nor any moderate Palestinian group strongly condemned the use of missiles either by Hamas or Hezbollah.  Condemnation, it seems, is reserved exclusively for Israel.

So long as the world fails to condemn, and the Palestinian people continue to support, the efforts of Hamas and Hezbollah, they have no right to expect Israel will do anything other than to defend itself. Remarkably, while Israel has agreed in principle to the establishment of a Palestinian State and taken good faith steps toward that end, Hamas and Hezbollah remain committed by their very charters to the destruction of Israel, and the world seems to ignore this fact.

The Hamas Charter provides in relevant part:

“Israel will exist and continue to exist until Islam will obliterate it….There is no solution for the Palestinian question expect through Jihad. Initiatives, proposals and international conferences are all a waste of time and vain endeavors.”

Similarly, the Hezbollah Charter reads in relevant part:

”…our struggle will end only when [Israel] is obliterated. We recognize no treaty with it, no cease fire, and no peace agreements….We vigorously condemn all plans for negotiation with Israel, and regard all negotiators as enemies….”

Unless and until someone–whether it be more moderate Arab regimes, or the Palestinian people themselves—rein in Hamas and Hezbollah, or the cold day in Hades comes when these groups renounce their charters and agree that peace should prevail, the idea of a lasting Middle East peace agreement is fanciful , even ridiculous.  This week, CNN news is replete with coverage of anti-Israel protestors in the United States and around the world, holding placards that read “FREE PALESTINE!” Free Palestine, indeed. Free it from Hamas, and everything becomes possible.  The moderate Arab world and the Palestinians themselves must first denounce and de-fang Hamas and Hezbollah and reject their fundamental tenet that Israel must be “obliterated.” Failing that, Israel will be left with no option other than to do that which any nation would do under the circumstances—protect its citizens and preserve its very existence.